October - My Favorite Time Of The Year !!!!!

26^th Oct 2011, exactly 5 years ago on this day, it was Diwali and life put me face to face with my biggest ever Diwali dhamaka in the form of a breast cancer diagnosis. One mastectomy and 6 chemo sessions later here I am 5 years and still counting. Frankly despite awareness, society still does not look at cancer differently especially here in India. If you declare that you have cancer, then it is like people around you are counting the days and you have all their sympathies. It appears that everybody has lost someone or the other in the fight against cancer. So the general belief still is that survival rates in cancer are pretty less and dismal whereas the truth is that each and every case is totally different and survival is dependent on many factors, the most important one being that of a positive outlook, a ‘I will not give in, come what may’ attitude and a general belief in self and the treatment one undergoes. No treatment is effective unless one believes in it. And I have written earlier also that being brave is not an option that cancer patients have. It is their only lifeline for the disease affects not just you but everyone around you. 

One day life was going on all smooth and nice and from the next day onwards it is as if you have sit on the sidelines and watch life go by. Stories about the chemo side effects may be true, but I did not believe in them and went about it one day at a time. Ignorance indeed is bliss sometimes. I must be one of the luckier ones because it did not affect me much except for the hair loss. But then I did not wait for the hair to fall off and shaved my head off after the 1^st chemo itself. This disease and its treatment is all about mind control and every day a new challenge is posed in front of you. It’s not enough to have your body ravaged by chemos, your life gone for a toss, your family’s rhythm affected and some loving well wishers firmly believing that you are a goner !!!! Frankly many people just do not know how to react, what to tell or what not to tell. So they choose the safer option of just ignoring you and then when you prove all beliefs and predictions wrong and do survive and they have to face you, you get to see how uncomfortable they are at trying to explain their absence from your life at a time when you most wanted people around.

Life puts in you such situations so that you get to know very well how much you can take, who are your true friends and who will truly miss you when you are not around. I am lucky as I have lived to tell this tale and I hope to keep counting still .........The only truth about cancer is not to believe anything and everything you read. There are no general rules and there are always exceptions. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October at a time when Times of India was running articles on this every day and I used to read. It said 8 out of 10 lumps are harmless and I was happy, surely I can’t belong to a minority. But there is no harm in going for a check, so I went and I was told it was most probably a harmless lump, but it is always safer to get a mammogram done and so I got one done. It was again clearly told that it was a harmless lump, but that it is always safer to get a lumpectomy done. But with external audits happening at the office, taking time off was an issue and so I pushed the operation to just after the audits. Finally lumpectomy done and I was safely back home, the lump was sent for biopsy, just as a safety measure. And then ‘Woh Saat Din’ later on Diwali day came the dhamaka that rattled my family like never before. A positive biopsy report. Why ? How ? What ? No questions asked, no answers taken except, ‘How bad is it ? Wwhat are the survival chances ?’ And when the docs told me that it was above 90, I took it for 100 and gritted my teeth, put on my best armor (read smile :)) and said.......where’s that damn ticket collector, come let’s begin the journey. If I don’t have a choice on whether or not I take the journey, I might as well decide to accept it and start sooner the better. Why not go one step further and say I might as well enjoy it and make sure that it is not my last.

It is at such times that you realise how much family and friends matter to you. I was real lucky to have a horde of those who visited, talked to me, kept my morale high and kept me going when it was real TOUGH to. These few good Samaritans showed me what matters most in life and they far outnumbered the ones who chose to ignore me. Every meal was as an effort and I quickly learnt to treat food as just that, food, nothing else. It was supposed to be put in your mouth and eaten, it doesn’t matter even if you don’t feel one bit of taste, it is meant to keep you healthy and keep you going. I went about all my routine activities at home except when I had to undergo the chemos and was ordered to stay put. My most beautiful moment of the whole 6 months of cancer treatment was when I had shaved off my head after my first chemo ,my kids had gone to school and then in the evening when they arrived and they took one look at me and said, ‘But Mom.......you look so beautiful !!!!!!’. And so it is that I still believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And though death is the only certainty of life and cancer is one that contributes to it a lot, there is no telling when and where miracles happen and why. You have to believe in them, that’s all. One day at a time is the mantra and that is what I am doing even now, I do not know what tomorrow holds for me, but then who does ? The beauty of life lies is in its uncertainties and the challenges posed therein. Quitting is never an option and to keep going is not always just a choice, it is the ONLY option. Undoubtedly October (read Pinktober) is still my favorite time of the year :)