A proud one year old I am today !!!!

Ever wondered which are the three most bravest and toughest words to utter ? Surprised.........? Even I wouldn’t have guessed the answer to this one till a little while back. The toughest words to utter are ‘I have cancer’. These three words when uttered convey a whole lot of things which are left unsaid. Most people dread at uttering the word itself, Yes, it’s the dreaded  ‘C’ and the king of all maladies. The journey from ‘have’ to ‘had’ is a long and tough one. And sadly many don’t make it. It is the journey of a lifetime within a lifetime. In the months that it takes you to get to ‘had’ from ‘have’ you actually gain a lifetime of experiences which you would otherwise never get to go through. And I am not referring to the physical/bodily changes that you put up with, especially if you have to go through chemotherapy. Those are expected.....at least your doc prepares you for what is to come ! But you would be surprised at the reactions of the world around you. 

Wondering why am I talking about all this? That’s because I fortunately have moved from ‘have’ to ‘had’. Not an easy thing to admit even to yourself, forget the world at large. I had some celebrity company here during the time that I was diagnosed and was undergoing treatment. Cricketer Yuvraj Singh !! He was asked this question why go to US for treatment and why not India? And he said, there is no dearth of good hospitals/doctors in India. But here when you tell people around, they look at you with sympathy and that in India Cancer is still equated with death. That is so very true. Perhaps there were many who gave up on me or let’s admit it, I think they just did not know how to face me or what to tell me. And so of course, during the time that I moved from ‘have’ to ‘had’ they just ignored me plain and simple (rather my condition I guess J ). But of course, on the brighter side of things, there were those who stood steadfastly by me, held my hand, spoke to me every day of those six months which it took me to ‘come back’ and most of all never wavered in their belief that I am here for keeps J And so here I am and hoping that I am gonna be around for a long time to come !!!

How does one deal with it? There are no answers to this one. Certainly I don’t think anyone can write a guide about how to go about this. Did I feel bad about it ? Yes, very much. Did I ask Why me? ‘NO.........................’, cos I felt that if I did,  indirectly I would be asking God, Why not someone else? And that was just not on. You wouldn’t want this to happen even to the worst of your enemies. Strangely I just did not feel ‘CANcery’ at all, but there was nothing much you could about it, if your biopsy report says you had it, you better believe your doctor and pad up for a long innings ahead ! Sadly no T20 match this, it’s a marathon test all the way through and you get lucky if you are able to handle all the bouncers and the googlies. A whole lot of my friends and family told me ’ You are brave....You will pull through !’  True, I have been brought up by a brave lady, so of course, something definitely has rubbed off on me J. If my 60+ mom refused to shed a tear and thought of this as just an aberration in my life, then I did not have much of a choice either, but to go along !!!

And I am glad that none of those who call me brave weren’t around when the docs and nurses were poking around in my hand to find ‘good veins’ for the chemos. My reputation would have taken a beating J The situation sometimes used to be so hopeless, I told my doc to put up a competition for the nurses every time I visited for the chemo. Something like ‘Find a good vein in her hand, walk away with a gift voucher of XXXXX !!!!’ Cos I thought that would do the trick.

 I feel that being brave is not really a choice that cancer patients are left with, there is just no other way if you want to be around to trouble your family and friends a little longer! Aren’t we all taught right from childhood that it’s a survival of the fittest out there ? And that faith CAN move mountains. So you just place your faith in the doctors and the medicines and march straight ahead. One of the things my doc told me remained with me throughout and I held on to it like a mantra. He said you should be happy that you have not been diagnosed with diabetes or something cos that’s not curable. But cancer is !!!! You don’t have to look at Lance Armstrong, Kylie Minogue or Lisa Ray for inspiration. Being a celebrity, perhaps makes it that much more tougher to accept, I guess. But, there are hundreds of ordinary people out there who have made this journey and lived to tell the tale. I am sure that each one of them enjoyed the wonderful support of their near and dear ones as I did.  Of course as I said above, there were a few who thought that it’s best to ignore. My hubby asked me this question, ‘What would you have done if you were in their place’. And I went back a couple of years when I came to know that one of my ex-colleagues had cancer. All of us were sitting around talking about it and feeling bad, since she was a very strong personality. I just got up, walked to the phone in the room and dialled her number. She picked the call and when I asked her about her health, she said, ‘Hey you guys don’t worry about me, I am gonna be fine !’ And that kind of like opened the gates for others and each took turns and spoke to her. Sadly, now she is no more, but I am happy that I called her at a difficult time. Moral of the story being please don’t hesitate to call someone in such a situation. It could brighten up their day and if you can pep them up, please do that, cos no amount of good wishes and prayers are more at such a time.

I am one of the few lucky ones who did not have any major side effects from the chemo. Point to be noted of course that I do not consider hair loss as a major issue. I actually shaved my head off the hair fall started. And I had fun trying out various wigs J Wish I had taken a few snaps in all those different wigs and put it up for friends to ‘vote for the best look’. But I am still experimenting with my hair styles which I otherwise would have never gotten round to. I guess, one has to always look at the positive and humorous side of things to pull through.

Currently I feel special just cos I’m alive. I appreciate every day that I wake up to, every meal that I eat (considering I couldn’t have one ‘decent’ meal for months together) and every moment that I get to spend with my loved ones. There is of course no telling which way your life is gonna go from here, but then that is so true for all of us, so why worry when I am no different !.  If you know of anyone in a similar situation, please do not hesitate to pass on my contacts to them, I am always ‘available’ to talk to them.  From experience I know that if you find another person who has undergone the same, you feel an instant kinship and a kind of ‘Hey, I am not alone in this’ kind of feeling. And that helps to go a long way..............