Two States or Two Families ??????????????

Recently I watched the movie Two States and it stirred me enough to write this blog as I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time. I think this movie was a hit since it was a story that has been told and re-told umpteen number of times, so known to all of us. Two States has happened to most of us, all of us have those few people in our life to whom this happened. Luckily though, as in the case of two states, many are still leading a happily married life. What prompted me to write this post was the fact that in India, it is not really Two States, but Two Families………What I mean to say is that even though you go in for an arranged marriage and marry someone whom your parents chose, from the same caste, community even then this story happens, only slightly twisted. Two States talked about how the couple fell in love and fought to bridge the North-South divide and bring the two families together so they could get married. In the case of most other arranged marriages the story starts after the marriage.

So what happens when a girl gets married and moves in to her husband’s home, while she leaves her past behind? (Simply put past means parents and siblings, home, friends, environment, culture (yes even if you have a same caste arranged marriage, nothing is same), food habits, preferences, comfort zones to name a few and in some cases even the name ! Is there anything left then with the girl to help her retain her identity, I wonder! From someone’s daughter to someone’s wife to someone’s bahu. Pretty soon you realize that a whole host of people around you have an expectation of how you should be. A successful bahu is the one who can quickly assess the people, situations and the undercurrent of relationships and learns to be comfortable in ANOTHER’s house. Lucky are those who find an understanding mother in law who realizes the trauma of a young girl who has had to leave everything behind and walk into a new life.

As portrayed by Aamir Khan in one of his ‘Satyameva Jayate’ episodes, the differences that crop up are not necessarily limited to the illiterate, it is actually more in the educated class. There is a deep rooted belief in India ‘Beti paraya dan hoti hain’. But strange then that along with that ‘dan’ , the boy’s family also expects a lot of other ‘dan’ to come along. Marriage, for most parents who have sons is a way of making money (making the most if it) and expectation of dowry is a given. Many express it openly, and many put it across in so many other ways. There is a scene in the ‘Two States’ movie where the boy’s mother talks about what another less qualified boy in the family got as gifts during his marriage. That typically is the way it is done. Expectations are stated, one way or the other.

As I have seen it mostly when one is told that a marriage is fixed, the very first question asked is ‘Oh is that so, how much is the dowry?’. The boy’s worth is measured in terms of the dowry he receives. I have heard of things like engineers get X, foreign returned get Y, doctors get Z and so on ! The rate list is fixed. As has been shown in Aami’s show, even after the girl’s family meets all the demands, the girl may still be ill treated. Even as the marriage date approaches, you may keep getting calls from the would be in laws on what should be or should not be in the marriage. The only explanation you get if you question is ‘This is the way it is done, this is how it has been’.

It’s not enough that you are trying to figure out this new creature called  ‘ husband’, you may also have to deal with his family (Mom, sister, brother, bua, maasi and the likes). You need to worry about getting into their good books as well since all of them have an opinion as well about how you should or should not behave. How you were brought up and what your wishes are be damned !

 I knew a situation where the daughter in law in question was expected to rise and shine early on and cook for the entire family before she gets out for work. You see it is you who wanted to work. There were no rules though for the unmarried daughter who was very much part of the family and also worked. She could rise and shine whenever she wanted to. In a sense, you are blessed if you are working, as otherwise you may also have to tag along with the never ending soaps that your MIL watches, that is an even worser torture. The person in question happened to have been a Tamilian born and brought up in the North. One of the first things she had to adapt to was to have curd rice for breakfast since her husband’s family was adamant about that! Another instance I know where the mother in law is very particular that no maids come into the house, nor is the daughter in law allowed to touch the washing machine. In short, better get down to business and wash the clothes yourself.

In the case of a love marriage also the post marriage part is no different. Which customs you follow would depend on which of your in-laws are the stronger ones! Mostly, one side is totally run down and another takes over and dictates terms. When you have kids, it begins from the names to naming ceremonies to which language the kid needs to speak and which festivals to be followed. If the elders happen to be well balanced and reasonable, then the kid gets to see the best of both worlds and benefits from the diverse cultural background. But on the other hand, if the elders start scoring brownie points using the kid as a pawn, the poor little kid grows up confused. Typical differences in families are cooking styles, the way the festivals are celebrated, all the ceremonies to how kids are brought up etc to even in a few cases, outlook on life as a whole.Lucky are those couple, who are able to take and stick to a balanced stand and make both sides appreciate the same as well.

Two States therefore is a story that will continue to be told in India in most households in their own way, unless we change ourselves and our mindsets and our outlook. The State, the language, the religion may change, but the underlying story remains the same.